A cricket chirpped incessantly nearby. Sparrows fluttered noisily in the surrounding trees, obviously preparing to retire for the night after a long, hard day. Shadows grew longer and darker. A pair of fireflies suddenly lit up and flew over Matt's head from behind, then proceeded to make their way across the calm black water.
At times like this, Matthew felt he could hear the faintest whisper of the voice he so longed to hear. Drifting towards him on the water from somewhere beyond the lake. Sometimes he felt a sudden chill and shivered, wondering if he had imagined it or if he had just really felt a strange presence pass by. A cold shiver ran up his spine. Maybe people did manage to hang around even long after they had been laid to rest. Maybe he was indeed being watched.
A pair of hands suddenly grabbed him on each of his shoulders, startling him. Janice laughed, and then walked around the bench and sat down beside him. She wiggled a bit, arranged her hair, stretched out her legs and then crossed them, folded her hands neatly in front of her, then sniffed the air before taking in a deep breath and then finally exhaling. Then she looked at Matthew and smiled. Matthew scowled back. He thought she was invading his private moment. Janice only smiled harder, and he turned away to gaze out at the water.
"You're jumpy today," Janice remarked, as though they had been friends for ages, even though she had hardly known him a few days.
Matthew made no attempt to make a reply.
"So," she pressed on undeterred, drooling on the word in a way that immediately irked Matt, "what are you doing out here all by yourself?"
Matthew did not feel obligated to answer, because it really was no business of hers, but Janice was looking at him with such expectation that he felt hard-pressed to say something.
"Sitting."
Janice blinked rapidly. Then she burst out laughing. Matthew thought she was raving mad.
"You're very funny, Matthew Newson," she said between hysterical gasps. Matthew struggled to understand which part of the word "sitting" was packed with such humorous content.
"But you're too quiet," Janice went on. "You should talk more often."
Matthew looked at her. She knew nothing. Nothing at all.
"Otherwise you'll never have any friends. You must feel pretty lonely at times, don't you?"
You have no idea.
"Everyone's gotta have someone they can be with without having to hide anything. Someone you can fully trust and share everything with."
The evening was very quiet. It was a full moon night. Matthew shifted his gaze momentarily to a toad that was sitting just at the edge of the water. It appeared to be thinking deeply about something. Matthew wondered what.
"Matthew, don't you ever wish you had someone you could talk to?"
Matthew looked up. The truth was, that was just everything he ever wanted. But everyone he had tried to approach seemed to never understand. They just looked at him as if he had just revealed a really ugly deformity in him. They nodded their heads and said the nicest friendly words, but he could see that they were really clueless. That they could never understand him.
"Matthew?" Janice looked concerned when she saw him drop his head.
All the things he could never say. All the feelings he could never express. All the memories he could never forget. All the pain and anguish he could never get rid of. Tumbling together, mixing and churning, entwined forever in a never-ending war inside of him.
"I want to be your friend, Matthew," said Janice at last. She could see that he was shaking. He was lonely after all. "You can tell me everything."
Matthew jerked up suddenly and Janice sat up straight.
"I-I was so happy when I received your note, because I thought that someone had finally noticed and understood me."
Janice was surprised to see that Matthew was crying. He looked so broken and weary. Like something huge and invisible had been placed on his back, pulling him down. Suddenly she knew what she wanted.
"I thought that you'd understand, but you're just hopeless. You'll never understand. Because you're just like the rest of them."
He was choking back on tears but he didn't care. Words were tumbling out on their own. Bitter.
"So just leave me alone! Like I was!"
Like I'll always be.
"Matthew, I--"
"You're wasting your time with me!"
Janice finally knew. That she wanted to help him.
"No, I'm not! Matthew, you don't need to be alone. There are people who care. Give them a chance."
Matthew laughed with sarcasm.
"You don't know what it's like to live without--"
Janice waited but Matthew never finished his sentence. They sat in silence for a long time. But in the end, nothing more was said. Because there simply was nothing to say. Janice bid goodnight and left, wondering just what it was that Matthew wanted. She was trying her best to understand but there was a barb-wire fence surrounding him. She just couldn't get through. She sighed inwardly and briskly walked down the deserted street that would lead her home.
Matthew remained at the lake a while longer before finally standing up and turning to go home. His heart was still aching. He cursed himself. For letting himself cry. For being so cold. But there was just no way she'd understand.
Because she'd never know how it feels.
To live without a father.
